Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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