I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
