So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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