My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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