just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
