Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
