Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
