and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
