The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
