Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
