I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
