Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
