I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
