East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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