Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I will die if light touches me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
