Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
