8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
