The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
