Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
