MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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