So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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