Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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