when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
