I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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