Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he fucked my hip out of place.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
