Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
