Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
