phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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