We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
