her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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