There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
