I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
