Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
