Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
