If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
