Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
