I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
