I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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