dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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