i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
