the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
