I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
