At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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