Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
