Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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