If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
