you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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