...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
