Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
