She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
