Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
