I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
