Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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